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This is a test.

I recently watched Chris Wallace interview his father, Mike Wallace of “60 Minutes,” on “Fox News Sunday,” the program Wallace Jr. anchors. It ended with a tearful father telling his son, “I love you and I’m proud of you.”

Now NewsMax has only slightly more credibility than the guy yelling about aliens outside the Walgreens. But if Chris Wallace said anything even close to what’s being reported, he earns Fucker of the Year without anyone else having to be nominated.

Great move, Chris. I didn’t think I could loathe anyone more than your colleague Brit Hume. But you’re almost there.

Listening to O’Reilly’s latest salvo in his ginned-up “War on Christmas” coverage, I couldn’t help wishing that the latest dildo Bill would use on himself while calling up female employees with x-rated come-ons would take the form of a very large and spiny Christmas tree. (Hey Bill – did you know that the Christmas tree is a pagan symbol?)

Bill’s latest line is that “the secular forces will lose this war.” That’s a good trick. Create a “war” out of whole cloth, pontificate endlessly about “battles” that don’t exist, and then declare “your side” the winner. Another blow struck against the secular humanist heathens! Hallelujah!

The thing is, this little trick has been going on for several years now. It’s a winner for Fox, and a winner for O’Reilly. He gets to be the Holy Warrior, and even better, he “wins” every year! Guaranteed! It’s brilliant. And it lets retail establishments like Sears and Target know the power of the religious right, and the slack-jawed yokels who hang on Bill’s every strangled word.

To me, it comes down to this: if you need Target to affirm your faith, you’ve got some serious problems – problems that won’t be solved by a Wal-Mart greeter wishing you “Merry Christmas.”

“You know, Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.”
-Marge Simpson, The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Watching John Kasich fill in for Bill O’Reilly on “The O’Reilly Factor” tonight, it struck me how much networks like Fox, and conservatives in general, simultaneously rail against the debasement of culture, while falling all over themselves to see who can be the biggest debaser.

O’Reilly’s show in particular won’t let a single child molestation case, illegal alien crime spree, or lurid murder case go without obsessive over-coverage. (I hear Greta Van Susteren is just going to give up and *move* to Aruba.) Watching Fox, it would be easy for space aliens to conclude that our society is composed completely of abusive clergy, murderous teens and Commies.

The reason is simple: fear. If they can whip up enough fear among the housedress-wearing masses tuned into Fox, they can sell anything to those quivering millions. An illegal alien is going to take your job! Hillary Clinton wants to take your hunting rifle! Muslims will kill you if you so much as step out of your own yard! Macy’s wants to burn down your Christmas tree!

It’s sick and transparent, but fear sells. Literally. Fear sold the Iraq war and the Bush re-election. And when you can move crap like that, you can sell anything.

“Whether one agrees with going into Iraq or not and whether or not WMD was found isn’t the point any longer. We need to complete the mission now that we started it; we cannot afford to leave it unfinished.”

-Captain’s Quarters

Translation:

“Finding out who bludgeoned your mother to death and left her corpse on the kitchen floor just isn’t the point any longer. Listen, son, I know I’m holding a shovel. I know I have blood all over my clothes. And you did find me standing over your mother’s lifeless body, screaming ‘I’m so glad you’re finally dead, YOU BITCH!’ But the point right now is, you have to help me clean up this mess and hide the body before anyone finds out. You don’t want your father going to jail, do you? Your mother’s gone – no amount of finger-pointing is going to change that now. So grab that bottle of 409 and get to work. Now.”

Last night, watching “The O’Reilly Factor,” I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that Bill did re-broadcast his comments about San Francisco (see post below), but conveniently left out the part about calling for Al-Qaeda to bomb the Coit Tower. He played the entire quote, just without those last few crucial words. Hmmmm.

When the liberal guest from SF tried to call him on that editing job, O’Reilly shrugged his loofah-polished shoulders and said, “Hey, we can’t play the whole thing. It’s five minutes long.”

This morning, I was thinking, I wonder what Malkin, Esmay et al. would say if their President dared the enemy to attack Americans. Could they justify that?

Then I remembered – that’s just what Bush did.

“There are some who feel like that the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is bring them on.“

– President George W. Bush, 7/1/2003

Hey, you know, if [in San Francisco] you want to ban military recruiting, fine, but I’m not going to give you another nickel of federal money. You know, if I’m the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium, and I say, “Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you’re not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead.”

And if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we’re not going to do anything about it. We’re going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.

-Bill O’Reilly, on “The Radio Factor,” Nov. 8

Bill O’Reilly is a traitor to this country. Bill O’Reilly is a terrorist sympathizer. He should be imprisoned in Guantanamo without access to an attorney, tortured, and then, best case scenario, executed on national TV.

I’m serious.

Maybe we could get one of those cages to attach to his head so rats could eat his face. I’d pony up serious Pay-Per-View cash to see that.

Then, to defend himself, he said this:

This is a man who sexually harrassed his employees multiple times over the phone, describing the sex acts he would perform on them while using a vibrator on himself.

Fucker.

“I wish we could make the right wing small enough to drown in a bathtub.”

-commenter on John Cole’s Balloon Juice site

The White House is trying to get news services to change their transcripts of the press conference where Scott McClellan is finally called on his lies about how Libby and Rove “were not involved” in the Plame fiasco.

Winston Smith, call your office.

Why can’t any of them be as forthright as fake Democrat Matt Santos? Why can’t they stand up for themselves and what they believe in? (Memo to Dems: you believe in good stuff. Trust me on this.)

Santos: I know you like to use that word, “liberal,” as if it were a crime.

Vinick: I know Democrats think “liberal” is a bad word. So bad you had to change it. What do you call yourselves now? Progressives? Is that it?

Santos: It’s true. Republicans have tried to turn “liberal” into a bad word. Well, liberals ended slavery in this country.

Vinick: A Republican president ended slavery.

Santos: Yes, a liberal Republican, Senator. What happened to them? They got run out of your party. What did liberals do that was so offensive to the liberal party? Liberals got women the right to vote. Liberals got African-Americans the right to vote. Liberals created Social Security and lifted millions of elderly people out of poverty. Liberals ended segregation. Liberals passed the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act. Liberals created Medicare. Liberals passed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act. What did conservatives do? They opposed every single one of those things. Every one. So when you try to hurl that label at my feet, “liberal” — as if it was something to be ashamed of, something dirty, something to run away from — it won’t work, Senator. Because I will pick up that label, and I will wear it as a badge of honor.

-from “The West Wing” live debate episode Sunday

Seeing all those Republicans praising Rosa Parks made me sick to my stomach. Conservatives are on the wrong side of history, again and again. I think it’s about time we had the courage to point that out.